this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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