I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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