I could make wine with my vomit
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
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