dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
