Can i not drive my cunt home
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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