Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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