Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
