"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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