So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
