you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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