Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I don't deserve a penis
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
