I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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