I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
pray to the hookup gods
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