I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
