My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize