Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
