Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize