I just saw a hot homeless man
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
