My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
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