Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
