i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
