and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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