I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
