Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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