You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
