so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
