I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
