I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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