You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I could fuck to npr.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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