They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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