This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
