Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My ATM looks so different sober.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
