I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize