I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
