There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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