i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
