Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize