Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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