you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
