Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
