I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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