giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
