goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
