There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize