He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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