You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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