I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Randomize
