Someone shit on the floor
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
