I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
