I puked a lego.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize