Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Come see our sink grown plant.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
