Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm passing your future prison.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize