went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
