stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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