Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
