my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
