Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
