shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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