I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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