We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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